Now I say enough wallowing it was great to get it out but now I am feeling the need to redirect myself before i just lead myself into a place of shame. So the truth is I haven't gained all of the weight back but I did gain some of it back. The truth is also that I have for a while acknowledged my lapse but thus far have been unable to harness that energy I once had toward losing weight. I don't want to feel bad because it makes me begrudge others for their successes. So now I need to look to the future and I feel like revisiting this blog today and beginning again is a giant step toward that move. I had the magic once before and I feel like there should be no reason why that can't be recaptured. Honestly I know what I need to do and a big part of all of this is not going to be focusing on any sort of plans (although I do understand that I will need to focus on nutrition and exercise) but my focus will have to start with saying no to myself.
As I journey back into this I am thinking of goals for myself and I would like this blog to be used as a vehicle to express my inner frustrations, my disappointments, etc. I mean no harm but what I write or say but I find sometimes the need to express myself uncensored openly and honestly in a private manner. I am an expressive person but sometimes I over express the mundane in an attempt to hide my true feelings. I never want to be seen as a disappointment so I often will carry the world's pains on my back and put on a smile. There is so much that goes on in the world that I have to turn off because when I think or hear about it my heart explodes. I try hard to redirect to the positive but often that means that somewhere below the surface still lives these feelings.
I am going to make it a goal to check in here often so I don't start stock piling my feelings again and then trying to filter them out with over eating and I am going to try to look more to the future. I am also hoping to lock my mind from negative influences. Realizing I have an ongoing battle with overeating is disappointing but recognizing that I have already been down the road once before and that I am not nearly as bad off as I was then is a great place to start- it may not be where I was at the end of it all but it certainly isn't square one.
