Just Say Uncle!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Rambling about where to go

It has been years since I have posted on here and looking back on this blog I realized that somewhere along the line I have lost something- whether it be a fire or inspiration or a desire I have no idea. At this point I do know I have been feeling rather down about life in general which I think has contributed to my loss of interest. Things have certainly not been going the way I would have willed them to go and although I realize there is nothing we can do to make life happen in the ways in which we would desire the gap that not achieving these things leaves still remains true. I want to be clear in case someone somewhere decides to read this, I felt I need to write or post something for myself and it is not my intention to have another person really read this and I certainly would not welcome having to discuss this with another person, but occasionally it feels good to have an outlet to express feelings or ideas that are being stuffed backward. I visited this site today to prove to myself that I have achieved this once before. When I lost the weight I discovered something that I never realized was true before- body issues exist no matter what size a person is and I actually have experienced more body sensitivity than ever before since losing weight. Not to say that being overweight was an easy road and I didn't often feel my body as it invaded more and more space around me but there is a bigger self hatred than ever before. That was and has been quite sad. Something was unlocked briefly during that time and must have locked back up sometime and now years later I sit depressed thinking will I ever have those moments again.
Now I say enough wallowing it was great to get it out but now I am feeling the need to redirect myself before i just lead myself into a place of shame. So the truth is I haven't gained all of the weight back but I did gain some of it back. The truth is also that I have for a while acknowledged my lapse but thus far have been unable to harness that energy I once had toward losing weight. I don't want to feel bad because it makes me begrudge others for their successes. So now I need to look to the future and I feel like revisiting this blog today and beginning again is a giant step toward that move. I had the magic once before and I feel like there should be no reason why that can't be recaptured. Honestly I know what I need to do and a big part of all of this is not going to be focusing on any sort of plans (although I do understand that I will need to focus on nutrition and exercise) but my focus will have to start with saying no to myself.
As I journey back into this I am thinking of goals for myself and I would like this blog to be used as a vehicle to express my inner frustrations, my disappointments, etc. I mean no harm but what I write or say but I find sometimes the need to express myself uncensored openly and honestly in a private manner. I am an expressive person but sometimes I over express the mundane in an attempt to hide my true feelings. I never want to be seen as a disappointment so I often will carry the world's pains on my back and put on a smile. There is so much that goes on in the world that I have to turn off because when I think or hear about it my heart explodes. I try hard to redirect to the positive but often that means that somewhere below the surface still lives these feelings.
I am going to make it a goal to check in here often so I don't start stock piling my feelings again and then trying to filter them out with over eating and I am going to try to look more to the future. I am also hoping to lock my mind from negative influences. Realizing I have an ongoing battle with overeating is disappointing but recognizing that I have already been down the road once before and that I am not nearly as bad off as I was then is a great place to start- it may not be where I was at the end of it all but it certainly isn't square one.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Update

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Easter to Easter

Last Easter the photo below was taken with all my family. I was so happy to have a picture taken with the whole gang but when I got home I had a moment where I realized I had really let myself go too far with the whole eating thing. It was very sad for me to see this picture and how big I look in it and still is to this day. I love that I was loved and supported by my husband, friends and family despite my crazy addiction to food and the subsequent weight but when I saw this I knew it was time to make a change.

Now a year later I feel so much better for the decision I have made to lose the weight. In just under a year I have lost over 50 lbs. with the help of the B12 shots and the phetermine. I have tried to be sensible about things and have periods where I do not take the pills to allow myself to adjust to the new weight and to figure out how to eat appropriately for that weight category. I knew this would draw the process out a little but it has been well worth it to watch as my body and my self confidence have changed. I joked that I have been very vain since I lost the weight but the truth is I am just really happy to have finally had the resolve and committment to make the change I have wanted for so long.
I do have a serious looming fear about gaining the weight back and I dread thinking that one day I will allow myself to go as far as I did before. Perhaps though that fear is what will "keep me honest" and push me away from allowing myself to go all crazy with food again. I regret not really trying to lose the weight earlier but I am so happy to be at this point in my life surrounded by people who love me and support me so I can celebrate the new me with pride.